The Central Church podcast has taken a delicious turn with the latest episode breaking down a college basketball-style bracket of Little Debbie Snack Cakes. If you’ve ever wondered about the merits of Zebra Cakes and Oatmeal Cream Pies versus the qualities of Nutty Buddy Bars and Swiss Rolls, this is the 29-minute podcast for you.

Our Associate Minister, Greg Dowell, found the bracket somewhere on the internet — I have no idea who actually put these sixteen Little Debbie snacks together and seeded them the way they are. We passed the brackets out at our Parade of Prayer Wednesday and asked folks to fill them out in competition with others in their households or online with their friends, and then tune into the podcast for our hot takes on the snack cakes and the results. They could then score their brackets at home and compare them with others, make outrageous wagers — whatever.

During the podcast, Greg and I disagreed on the winners in a few of the key matchups. It was a collaborative bracket so we both had to compromise here and there to make it work. For the record, I would always choose Zebra Cakes over Oatmeal Cream Pies. I know the Oatmeal Cream Pies are an established American tradition, I know it’s a classic. And I do appreciate the Oatmeal Cream Pie’s contributions down through the years. But, to me, it’s like the Dallas Cowboys — it’s been 25 years already! Forget your heart, get past your nostalgia, what do you pick right now today? Zebra Cakes!

I would also go with the Christmas Trees over the Nutty Buddy Bars. I appreciate the versatility of the Nutty Buddy. It’s light, it’s just the right amount of peanut butter and chocolate, it’s got sustenance, it’ll maybe even substitute for a meal in a pinch — I get it. But for a guilty pleasure with red and green glitter on top, I’ll take the Christmas Tree cakes.

In my own personal bracket, those two calls lead to a Championship Matchup between Zebra Cakes and Swiss Rolls. That seems like an impossible choice to make, doesn’t it? How do you do this? The moist vanilla cake with the cream filling and white icing with thin chocolate stripes versus the moist chocolate cake with the cream filling and the perfectly thin layer of chocolate on the outside? The Swiss Rolls always leave those little strips of chocolate on the wax cardboard, a little bonus of delight that you can peel off with your fingers or scrape off with your teeth. The Zebra Cakes, though, contain more bites and they’re lighter. Fluffy, almost. Impossible!

That’s why Little Debbie invented the Zebra Cake Rolls. 

God bless America.